• Julissa Zwemmer

The reason why

Updated: Jan 2

After saying goodbye to Rowan (she was going to travel with her family), I could say hello to some ‘me-time’. It felt like a luxury to be alone after 5 months. I decided to spend time alone to connect with my inner-guide again. I was just going to focus on and follow this deep-down-voice, easy as that. Well, not always, especially when your voice isn’t that loud and clear anymore.

However, the next day I woke up and drove towards the mountains. I felt the need to hike up a mountain to get a higher perspective. If I couldn’t get an overview of my life, then at least I would have it of this place. Along the ride to the hike, I stopped about a million times to appreciate the view. I parked the car, got my hiking gear ready and started hyped and motivated.

Yes, finally alone in nature! That was exactly what I wanted and needed.

Once hiking up, I found myself out of breath most of the time. Pff, how long is this hike going up and up. Why did I pick a track of 4 hours? Not even after a hard climb, I got my reward. Those trees kept blocking the view. ‘I better get to see the higher view!’, I told myself, ‘otherwise I’m going back.’ Okay, I’m a fast quitter, I hate to admit it. I stopped more than I wanted and after every corner I hoped for an opening between the trees to get a taste of the view. But no, I wasn’t there yet. GRR!

After 2 hours I got a bit frustrated, still no top. ‘Should I go back? No hell no! You want to go to the top? Well no one gets there without hard work.’ Good thing I had my speakers with me, and the music pushed me up that mountain. After some more drama-lama moments, I felt the end near. ‘Yes, I can feel it, after this turn!’ For some reason I started running, almost tripped down on my face. I didn’t care, something pushed me forward and it promised me a feeling I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. My inner voice was loud and clear now.

The moment I stepped on the summit, I experienced an ‘out of body’- experience. I felt my soul lifting even higher than I already was. There, on top of the mountain I received an explosive boost of freedom. ‘Wauw this was it; an ultimate happy-moment! I’ve never felt it like this before. Even tears of happiness dripped down my face and I had a stupid smile that I couldn’t wipe off. Is this what happens at the climax in movies? That scene that triggers feelings inside you? Or what if, this went even above that?! If only I could bottle this feeling up, just to put it in a hidden/safe place at home. Just to look at and from time to time in my darkest hours taste a little of this soul-lifting feeling.

After a few moments, my floating spirit came back in my body. What just happened? Let’s reflect. Was it because of this crazy beautiful view? Are these New Zealand’s mountains IT for me? Was it because of this hard hike and finally reaching the top? Was it just the experience of being alone during the walk? Was it the perfect song that suddenly came on? (Runaway - Khalid ft Tayla Parx) Or just the whole combination? Will I ever know?

Time will teach me…

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